Facebook Stalk FAIL and Steve gets a dating coach?

No, don’t worry. I didn’t get a girlfriend. Sorry I haven’t blogged in a “long” time, my work thinks it’s cool to make me work 12 hour days, everyday!! Also schools getting pretty rough now a days, as the semester is coming to an end. Not that any of you actually care about Real Life Steve, I’m just saying.

So last blog I mentioned a scenario about getting a wink from a cute girl the day AFTER my match.com subscription had end, thus I had no way to “contact” her. Sure she might be a spam spot, but considering I haven’t gotten a wink/message from a normal girl in months, I was determined to do something. I let YOU decided what that something was going to be.

I gave you three options:

A.) Epic Facebook stalk

B.) Pay again and re-subscribe

C.) Do Nothing

I also got some funny “other” responses:

But the final results of the online survey are …….

You’re a CREEP

Well, most of you at least. 40 percent of you voted for “Epic Facebook Stalk”. And if you didn’t vote, I’m going to assume you’re a creep anyways, because who reads through my blog and doesn’t comment/vote. Yeah. Who’s the creep now. But focus, I was now on a mission. A mission to sort through the bazillion bytes of data on the interweb to find my potential one true love.

So I did.

Actually, wasn’t as hard as I thought, or hard at all (That’s what she said). Her match.com name was her facebook user name. First result on google.

So there I was, at a cross roads of decisions.

I went through a lot debate, but with the help from a girl saved in my phone as “Lindsey Dave’s girlfriend”, she helped decide to send her a message from “Real Life Steve”. You know this Steve, the responsible one, who’s not an internet A hole. This message actually went through several drafts before I actually sent it out, I was trying to not to creep her out. Obviously I failed..

So that was 10 days ago. I think it’s safe to say, she’s not going to reply. Pretty harsh, I would have felt better if she would have just responded and said “PLEASE STOP CONTACTING ME”. Maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned the blog? Maybe the blog is a deal breaker?

Let’s pretend for second you’re a girl, and you know this guy, who writes a blog, is that a deal breaker for not dating him? Is it like having a lazy eye or something?
Maybe the blog is C blocking me?

Speaking of stalking, I recent got a friend request from a Leslie Parker. She has no friends, was born on April 1^st, 1969. Also she had two profile pictures of 2 completely different hot chicks.  Is someone testing me to see if I’ll fall in love with a spambot? Or maybe someone was trying to see MY personal information/pictures. Hmmm. Sketch.

I’m actually getting expert help with my online dating via the magic of twitter. This person with the handle name of  @onlinewingwoman, stumbled across me and my blogs. She offered her services, sounds like a win win. You should check out her blog at http://www.onlinewingwoman.com

But I’m thinking she’s going to have a miracle worker. I’ve had my online profiles examined, scrutinized and updated by all you jerks many times. So hopefully she knows something you don’t.
What I’m actually hoping happens is that while in the process of reading my online profiles, she realizes that were perfect for each other and we ride off into the sunset together on white stallions. She is pretty cute…..but I doubt it. Especially now, after I awkwardly mentioned my secret plan. Let’s keep it professional. Unless you wanna make. Then I’m in. I’m JUST kidding. But seriously, let me know.

This is my last blog about online dating for a while, I know it can get booooooring and it’s basically me crying for 15 minutes about how I can’t get a date. No one likes that. Grow up.

Three things about eharmony.com before I stop talking about it.

Leave me some comments. Or else.
Happy Thanksgiving!

Tell your friends to join the facebook page. NO I will not stop whoring myself out.

Dear Online Dating, please die.

Yeah the title explains it all. I was chit chatting with Hendoooo (her nick name) after our company drinking softball game today and we got to talking about how poorly my online dating experience was going, she literally laughed in my face when I was telling her my woes of online dating.  Perfect opportunity to write  a blog, I thought.

Also I’m gonna start doing this new “thing”, called Single Steve Shout Outs. Basically, I’m such an egotistical asshole I feel like I have the authority to make out shouts to highlight/embarrass people.

Example A: Michelle gave me an idea to write a blog, so she’s getting a shout out:

I blurred myself out to protect my adultness.

I mean who doesn’t like seeing there face where 3 people a day visit. I know I would. Actually people would probably be embarrassed to be associated with this blog, but that’s their fault. But I digress, online dating FAIL.

Sometime I wish these stories were made up for comical reasons and not just my real life. So as many of you know and love, I was doing Match.com. Their promise is, “If you don’t find love in the first 6 months, you get 6 more months for free”. So for 6 months, I tried and tried and tried my little heart out. Shockingly I didn’t find love. I didn’t even go on a SINGLE date. Fuck my life. Yeah. Then I got a girlfriend, and online dating and blogging were dead to me. Girlfriend and I broke up, and I had about 2 months left of “free” match.com because of my failed attempts to find love.

I sacked up, got back on the horse and tried and tried my little heart out once more. Again, shockingly I didn’t go on a single date. Apparently I uber fail at online dating. My subscription ended last week to match.com and I was ecstatic to end that embarrassing portion of my life. I’m still on eharmony.com, but that’s a whole other story…..Well the day AFTER my match.com subscription ended, the oddest thing happened. An actually cute, normal looking girl winked at me. I know this doesn’t sound like a big deal, but please consider the winks I’ve gotten in the last 8 months:

4 winks. Count them. Fml. And of those 4, 2 were gangster mom’s, one didn’t have a picture up. No picture means, she is probably a he. I don’t remember why I didn’t try and pursue the cute bottom one….probably because I’m an idiot… BUT the moral of the story is, my winks are few and far between. So it’s a pretty big deal when I get a wink from a girl that isn’t a man. I got a wink back from a girl the DAY AFTER, that means I have no way of communicating with her unless I buy at least one more month of match.com, which is 34.99. The money isn’t the issue, it’s the principle of it. I heard she might be spam bot sent by the clever people at match.com to suck me back in. Is this possible?

But then how desperate is it of me to join for at least another month on the slight possibility that this girl didn’t accident wink at me. Ugh.

So here’s my options.

Lets take a poll.
What should I do:

At least I still have eharmony.com right? Wrong. That online dating service is going even worst, believe it or not.
Let me explain how it works, so everyone knows what I’m rambling about. Eharmony.com is different from match.com in that, you don’t have the ability to “search” for girls, a computer somewhere in the back room matches your profiles up based on some test you took when you first signed up for the site. I’m fine with that, no issues.

So it “matches” you up, and from there you then have 4 steps to get through before you are finally in “Open Communication” which is basically sending messages back and forth.
The first step is exchanging profiles, Second step is ending multiple choice questions from a pre-selected list of questions and answers. Third step is sending your likes and dislikes. Fourth step is sending questions from a pre-selected list, but you answer in actually text. Final step is “Open Communication” which is basically sending messages back and forth, this is the promise land for eharmony.com. I haven’t gotten that far yet with any girl, which is awesome. Each step is sequential, so once the ball is in her court, there is nothing I can do. I’ll send my profile over and wait..and wait….and if she likes it she sends over questions, if not, I have to keep waiting and waiting.

You’re probably thinking, well you’ve only probably been in communication with a couple girls, you hang in there, she’ll come along. False. I am currently in communication with 100 girls. Yes. 100. AND another 164 have already closed communications with me. So 264 girls have been matched with me, 164 shut me down, 100 are still in process. Of those 100, 97 are still in stage 1. Stage one is exchanging profiles. REALLY!? I can’t even get to the multiple choice questions? The ball is in their court for 97 ladies. Now I just play the waiting game….

fml. The photo below is not photoshopped.  Unfortunately.

Anyone else doing eharmony.com? Is this typical to be in “Communication” with so many people? Is it typical to be waiting on so many people to respond back to you?

Comment and let me know your thoughts.
Tell your friends to join the facebook page. NO I will not stop whoring myself out.

Halloween, you’re still a hoe.

Catching up.

Halloween has come and gone, and people have been begging me to update my happenings since. Well that’s not true, no one actually asked me anything, but I’m going to fucking tell you anyways. Sorry, I know, no need to swear.

My Halloween actually wasn’t all to wild and crazy kids. I was in Washington DC for work, at an engineering conference where I was the “grown up”. I know right. Me, the “grown up”. I gave some workshops, did some company recruiting, did some binge drinking, a good time had by all.

Actually here’s a secret between you and me, I had to a give a workshop to about 40 student engineers one day of the conference at 3:45 in the afternoon, apparently I went out a little too big the night before because I still hung over and felt like death. No worries, I totally rocked the presentation, but ran to bathroom and puked 2.5 seconds after it ended. Yeah, I’m an adult. Public speaking is my specialty, probably my best skill, regardless of what state my liver is in. And that’s a fact.

My Halloween was interesting…moral of the story is I walked back to my hotel 2 miles in the rain at 5:00am in a short sleeve shirt, in the city where I had no idea where I was going. I was navigating on the rising sun back to my hotel.  Unfortunately the story isn’t as awesome as your hoping. I wasn’t doing the walk of shame because I just hooked up with major babes, nope. I was walking back to my hotel at 5:00am because that was a better option than waking up on a strangers couch dressed as Space Ghost. I walked into my hotel where students were gathering in the lobby to catch their shuttles for the airport. They were probably wondering why the guy that interviewed them yesterday was stumbling in at 6am, soaking wet in a short sleeve shirt. Me too. Me too….

I got back to San Diego and immediately saw a flood of Facebook albums bursting with Halloween photos. And me being the creep I am, of course went through all of them. I pulled out a few to make fun of, sorry if you know these people. Remember I’m “Single Steve”, just a internet personality, who’s kind of dick.

For your pleasure:

Halloween, don’t be that girl

It’s about that time of year again, the weather’s getting colder, the leaves are beginning to change color and girls are deciding which kind of slutty animal they want to be for Halloween. This blog is written for my female readers, all 3 of them.

Actually before I get into my post, I want to take a ten second break and send a friendly reminder to all my readers of this blog:

The Most Important Single Steve blog You Will EVER Read. EVER.
Basically the cliff note’s of the blog is Real Life Steve is not an assshole, well, not all the time, and Single Steve is a complete asshole. So when you read this, don’t think of the funny, attractive, smart, strong, modest, sensitive, nice, modest guy you know in real life, instead, read this as just some guy on the interweb with a web page. I know we’ve had this talk before, but people seem to have brain damage and can’t separate the two. Basically I want to be as ha-larlious as possible, and that involves me being a super jerk, but I still hold back because I fear people will associate these words with real life me. I not saying everyone that reads this blog has brain damage, just like 85 percent of you guys. You know who you are. I’m surprised most of the people that come to my webpage even know how to read, but that’s why I include so many pictures, so you can still pretend you know what’s going on, but I digress…

Penis penis penis, vagina vagina vagina. See, just some random words, some dude on the internet says. I’m about to use the word slut about 1000 times, just a heads up.

Where was I? Oh yeah, sluts. Halloween sluts. Halloween is a great time of year, it’s interesting to think about the “fun” levels of Halloween as you progress through your life.

When you’re little, probably 5-10 years old, its fun and exciting to dress up like your favorite super hero or princess and go trick or treating house to house, so innocent and naive. Then in your high school years it becomes “uncool” to dress up anymore, everyone knew “that guy” that came dressed up in a mid evil costume on Halloween and got beat up.

Then fun levels really pick up at 18, when you’re away from parents at college, every costume now gets prefixed with the word “sexy”, which is actually just code for “I can be a hoe and you can’t say anything”.

When I say slut, in no way shape or form is that an insult or meant to be a degrading comment. In this context. Halloween makes it okay. It’s actually kind of a complement I would say. Somehow, magically I can walk up to a girl (probably one that I know since I don’t talk to ones I don’t know) and tell her, that her costume looks totally slutty and I won’t get uppercutted.

I’m not saying that I disagree, am offended or discourage the way ladies dress on Halloween. NOT AT ALL.  I actually encourage this type of wardrobe.  I’m just stating the way things are.

Now you’re probably saying “But Steven I don’t dress like a slut on Halloween, is there something wrong with me??” No, no there isn’t. Well maybe, I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. But it’s okay to not dress like a complete whore on Halloween. Really it is. You can dress “normal”, maybe a funny or clever costume, good for you. I’m not mad at it. BUT what I ask is don’t be that girl that dresses in the costume that scares the shit out of me. I don’t want to walk into the bar and be scared because I think there’s actually a zombie at the bar. That’s really cool you spent 2 hours making it look like your bleeding from the face! Especially considering were at a classy place like  Cabo Catina where I just peed into a trough. I just want to drink, and be merry. At no time on my Halloween night do I want to wipe puss from your face off my costume because you walked by me. That’s a fact.

Halloween isn’t about being scared, it’s about getting drunk and trying not to embarrass yourself while dressed like an idiot. Anyone knows that. It’s science.

This blog was actually going to be about what kind of guy you would attract based on what slutty costume you dressed as, but I kind of got derailed, but I’ll throw a few in here at the end.

Cutting it short, passed my bed time. Maybe I’ll finish making fun of everyone’s costumes later this week.

What are you going to be for Halloween? Let me know so I can make fun of it.

I’ll be in Washington DC next week for work stuffs, anyone in DC that wants to celebrate like it’s our job on Halloween, let me know! Don’t know what I’m going to be yet, something I can pack in my suit case. Maybe a ghost? A sexy ghost? Well see.

One more thing, since you’re not paying or sleeping with me to continue to write these blogs the least you can do is invite you friends to join the facebook page. It’s the least you could.

Also starting a new thing, where I reverse stalk some random I don’t know who’s following the page. I mean they’re basically stalking me, they least I could do is photoshop them in some awkward situation. That’s why I need more random’s, as to not offend my “real friends”

Happy Halloween

Facebook will become self aware on August 29th, 2011

The journey continues, Captain’s Log:
9683 consecutive days of being alive. Yeah, that’s right, in a row.

Not to be dramatic, but that’s getting pretty old. I can remember the days when I was just a day or two over 8000. Those were the days… I was a senior in college (year one of two), just getting exposed to the classy bar scene of Tucson (Buffet and the Nugget), living in a frat house (SICK braah), making out with B minus chicks, yep, not a worry in the whole wide world. I definitely wasn’t worried about getting married and popping out some kids. I’m still not worried. I’ve just been noticing it’s about that time.

And by it’s about that time, I mean Facebook is secretly trying to run my life.

That sneaky SOB. I was making some edits to my profile this morning, when I saw something that caught my eye and made me do a double take of screen. Usually my eyes glaze over the ad’s on the side of the right hand screen, useless garbage and nonsense. No I don’t want to fucking join Mafia Wars, no I don’t want to go to an online beauty college, blah blah blah…..but what did I see this time when I loaded my profile page you ask that caught my attention? It was the triple threat of single ads. First of all, fuck you Facebook, you don’t know anything about me. Secondly, really!? Do I need 3 ads to tell me how not to talk to girls?

Maybe I should date Christian girls, apparently they’re busty.

I’m used to one or two ads about single girls, but 3 was a bit much. I thought it was fluke, so I hit the refresh button, thought there was no way I could hit the singles ad jackpot twice in a row, but BAM, 3 more hot generic spambot ladies for me to click on. It was like gambling, what are the chances that out all the ads on all of facebook, I would get 3 “desperately single!? Click Here!!” ads.

I tried it again, and got an ad for an MBA program, this is when I and realized Facebook does targeted advertising based on who you “are”. How could I of missed it. Facebook is smart, it’s learning. You know what other computer based application was smart and learned?? That’s right. Sky Net. Fuck it’s so obvious to me know, facebook is learning, adapting, telling you who you should be, what ads to pick, then BOOM, it builds an army of evil robots to destroy to earth.

Or not, but still, who is Facebook is to tell me who I am? Who does facebook think you are?

What 3 ads show up when you go to your profile page?
Are you desperately single? Are you destine to annoy all of your friends and join Mafia Wars? Should you go back to school in Idaho? No seriously, comment on the blog and let me know who facebook thinks you should be.

So besides the ads facebook screaming at me to get a spambot girlfriend, more recently in the past year I’ve seen more and more feeds like “I’m engaged!”, “I’m pregnant again!”, “Wedding was great!”, “My baby daddy just got out of jail!”, etc. Basically I’m saying my facebook feed is much different than when I was 21. Either I need to make more 21 year old friends, or just come to terms that I’ll now get facebook feeds in regards to my friend’s children turning 15.

Speaking of 21 year olds! I’ve got a funny story. Not haha funny, but more like ouch haha funny. Or it might not be funny at all, but fuck you, you’re not paying me to write this so it’s your fault.

So anyways, a few weekends ago, my buddy from college got married in Tucson, so I made the trip down to Arizona for the wedding. I RSVP-ed a “plus one” weeks before I knew who I was taking. So of course, 3 days before the wedding I’m still dateless because I’m awesome at find dates. I had recently broken up with the girlfriend so I had no “options” of people who I would ask to make the road trip down with me to Tucson, so I did a hail mary and sent a text to a “friend” in Tucson and asked if she would like to accompany me to the wedding. She was a mutual friend of the guy getting married, and her older brother was going to the wedding so I thought it wouldn’t be completely out of the blue if she attended with me. I don’t know if you noticed I used the word “friend” in quotes a few sentences ago to describe who she is, and it’s probably not what you’re thinking. So she’s actually the little sister of a friend of mine from college, and sure I “know” her and we’re facebook friends, but prior to the wedding I had probably spoken only about 20 sentences in face to face conversation, and of those 20 sentences, 16 were probably on a professional level. So why only 4 sentences spoken to her in a social setting you ask? Well one, she’s extremely attractive, I mean really really pretty, and I’m kind of intimidated by her? Which is weird because I can confidently give a presentation in front of 100s of people, but talking to one very beautiful girl, and I can’t seem to form a coherent sentence. Two, we didn’t really have the same social circles, well we might of, but I wouldn’t know because I graduated before she started college…..oh yeah, she’s only 21.

Now I’m 26, and I don’t think that’s a huge age difference, and it’s not like I was asking her to this wedding to be romantical, which even isn’t a word, I just thought we would have a good time. Which we did. Some of my friends here in SD made a big deal out of the fact I asked someone “so much younger”.  But I think my friends are idiots. There I said it.

Anyways, I guess I was curious as to her take on the situation, but I wasn’t going to ask her “So do you think I’m too old to talking you?”

The funny moment occurred when we were at the reception just talking about weddings and marriage and the whole idea of it, she started a sentence with “I know you’re like way older than me…..”, at this point I stopped her, kind of did a comical pseudo freak out, she apologized and said that’s not what she meant. I know that’s not what she meant to say, but it’s funnier to be fake outraged at her comment. Like I said there was no intention of a romantic interest with me asking her to go with me to the wedding, but at this point I think I went from date to dad in 5.4 seconds. Ftw!

I know it’s not what she meant at all, but still funny hear. I had to coerce her into finishing her sentence, because I was genuinely curious as to where she was going with that. Basically the sentence ends with “but if I turn your age and I’m not married, I’m going to end up marrying the first douche bag that comes along”. Awesome. Apparently 26 is the freak out age for girls to start marrying the first jerk that comes along. Anyone know any 26 years old females?

So basically she was telling me I have 5 years to become douche bag, so you’re saying there’s a chance! Just kidding….Wedding was actually a lot of fun, good to see old faces (26 year olds), had a great time with ms. 21.
Questions, Comments,Concerns!?

Do the 3 ad challenge, who does facebook think you are?

Invite your friends to join the facebook page!

I’m Back!?

I know I know. It’s been too long. Way too long (That’s what she said), but I’m back, and back with a fury.

Where did I go you ask? I was in a little place called Relation City, USA. Yep, it’s true, Single Steve actually had a girl friend. Shocked are you? Fuck your couch, its possible. It was a great relationship, absolutely nothing with her, she was actually quite awesome. Some people think I’m an idiot/jerk to break up with her when the relationship was going great. Maybe. Probably.  I have no ill feelings and wish her the best of luck to her.

Blah blah blah, you jerks don’t care, be honest. You’re probably just thinking “Make me bicycle clown!” get back to be single, funny and ridiculous. Okay, okay, stop yelling. I’m right here. I’m back on schedule.

Step one is get back on online dating. Check. I logged onto my match.com account and was surprised to see I still had until November to embarrass myself. I forgot I “didn’t find love” in my first 6 months of my subscription, so Dr. Phil gave me another 6 free months of embarrassment. Hurray! I’m also doing okcupid.com which is a free, but don’t worry that’s going pretty terrible too.

I actually was pretty excited I got an email saying I got a message on okcupid.com from a GIRL! I know right. A girl. So anyways, I could tell from my email that I had a message, but I couldn’t see what the message was or who the girl was.

So the whole day I was giddy like a little school girl with excitement. I almost never get messaged, so this was a pretty big deal. AND her name “LawLady85”, sounds kind of sexy right? Sounds like she’s about 24 years old and lawyer, awesome. Usually I get emails from names like “MomOfFive”, “MustLoveMy12Cats”, “ItsOkayIhaveAgreatPersonality”.

So I couldn’t check it because I was at work, so the whole day I was giddy with excitement thinking about the possibilities that lie ahead. I break into door, open up okcupid.com, furiously smash in my password and navigate to my messages. And there it was, there it was. A message, as promised, from LawLady85, who turns out to be a friend from college, fml. But Steven she could still want on right? Negative. Her message was basically, “write me a blog clown”. Nice. Thanks LawLady85……

But if any one is looking to date an attractive lawyer please see:
http://www.okcupid.com/profile/lawlady85

Tell her you saw her post on Craig’s List.

Match.com isn’t going much better. Below is an actual email I got a few days ago…

I leave you with some Craig List Losers:

Craigs List Shorty

I’m switching over to a facebook fan page. Join and Ill write more blogs. Promise.

Join here

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Single-Steve/147717841098?ref=ts

Leave comments, they make me feel justified in writing blogs

PB Millionaire, Part 2

I’m back. With a fury. Sorry for the delay. That thing called real life got in the way. But you’ll be happy to know that real life goes great, not that anyone of you actually cares.

So where was I? That’s right. King of the douche bags. PB Millionaire. You might want to read this blog, as a refresher as to who this tool bag is. But in summary, basically this  guy invented some crappy safety glasses, made some money, lives in a “castle” in north PB, throws parties where he pays “models” to hang out with him, is trying to start a reality show based on him and calls himself PB Millionaire.

www.pbmillionaire.com

Take a second. Soak it in. I’ll give you a minute to browser around and check out all the fantasticness of his site. Let me know when your ready for my analysis of The PB Millionaire.
…..
…..
…..
…..

And go.

I forgot how angry this guy makes me. So I don’t know about you, but initially when I tried to load the page, it came back with some type of error because it’s trying to play music in some wacky format my browser didn’t understand. Awesome?  I consider myself a pretty savvy interweb user, so I was initially confused when I couldn’t load this guy’s sweet default music on his main page. Maybe he is so advanced, he is coding his webpage in the future? I tried in Mozilla, nope. Safari, nope. Only when I loaded his page up in Internet Explorer 6.0 did I get to experience his awesomely annoying default music. I should have just loaded up netscape 2.0 to see if this page would load more effectively in that browser.

PB Millionaire

P.S. doesn’t he know how fucking annoying it is to go to a website and have music automatically start playing!? If I went to google.com and music started to play every single time, I would punt my computer into the face of the guy that’s responsible for that code. I’m just saying, it would be pretty fucking annoying. And I’m pretty sure HE DOES NOT own rights to that song to have it playing his website.

Also,I have a correction, I thought PB millionaire stood for Pacific Beach Millionaire, it turns out it actually stands for Philanthropist Bachelor Millionaire. I don’t know what philanthropy he actually does, but well get into that later.

So he’s 43, and lives in a castle? I haven’t wanted to live in a castle since I was 7. Were they out of all the grown up houses? But I digress. Focus.

We’re going to make this an interactive blog. I’m going to walk you through his webpage, breaking it down, page by page, picture by picture, inch by inch, analyzing and sharing my thoughts on the PB Millionaire.

Please navigate to the first section “PB Millionaire”

This is the “In His Own Words….” section….

Please navigate to the “Angels” Section……

I don’t even know where to begin with the “Photo Gallery” section. There is just so much, maybe I’ll make it a separate blog. But in summary, there is something SUPER creepy about the photos. It’s him and 15 girls. It’s fun once. Gets to be weird the next 3 times. Sure it’s every guys fantasy to go out with 15 girls, I guess? Normal people have both, guy and girl friends. I guess guy hookers are harder to find? I joke….

Onto the videos. I hate him. So much.
Just watching his videos makes me want to punch babies. This first video:

Set’s the tone, he does an introduction, talks about how it’s gotten to that point that he can’t do anything without a secretary….he has 4 secretary’s!? I don’t even think the governor has 4 secretaries.

One of my favorite parts of the video occurs 1:14 into it.
“I solve my problems with money. Here. Now go away.”

Cool!!

1:48 – Why is he asking her “What is the naughtiest thing you’ve ever done?”  WHAT!? I thought he was a philanthropist? Ohhh it’s for his sleezy millionaire girls calendar. Okay. That makes it okay to ask a girl half his age about the time she had sex on the hood of a car. Classy. Lucky for her, only 13 people have watched that video.

2:27 – “Who’s here to be in our calendar?” – PB Millionaire.
One girl, out of 10 raises her hand. Nice.

Video two:

http://pbmillionaire.com/new_site/video_gallery.php?video_data=3&youtube=true

0:24 – “When you, ahhh, experience this, aaaah, technique I do, it pretty much makes your desires come true.” – PB Millionaire
I just vomited in my mouth. What the hell is he talking about!? What technique!?

I also found his secret youtube site!

Please enjoy these ridiculous awkward videos.

PB CASTLE- St. Patty Interview

0:04 – He is SOOOO awkward. Not even 4 seconds into the video and he has already made me feel uncomfortable. She asked you “Are you having fun yet!?” to which he responded with “Whaaaaat, what?”.

0:20 – Interupts himself off after he starts talking about how he “just works here”, with “soo how you doing?” She seems confused by his answers, and awkward questions.

0:55 – He turns into a jerk. And forgets how to interact with humans.

1:13 – “Wasn’t that a great interview” – PB Millionaire

PB CASTLE- St. Patty Interview 2

0:06 – At least you made it 6 seconds this time before you became completely weird. What the hell are you doing!? You’re throwing the host off.  Please pay attention.

0:12 -  “I just work here” – PB Millionaire
Oh my god. Please stop saying that. It’s not funny anymore.

0:22 – When smoker red head is asked about the party, her response is “we just got here”. What an interesting interview. This house is just filled with interesting people.

0:56 – After threatening how lucky the interviewer is to be there, he proclaims again “I just work here….”.I blame the interviewer for laughing the first time, letting him think it was okay to use that “joke” over and over an over.

Mostly the youtube videos are from the Super Bowl party. The interviews are done by a loud burnette named Parker, who seems to lack the ability to ask questions people understand. Here’s my favorite interview of the night:

Super Bowl Party Interview Luke

Acid is a hell of drug.

Finishing up strong on his website, on his charities page. It just seems like he typed in the word “Charity” into google and these were the top 4 that popped up. I mean these are great charities, but they just seem so generic to be his “passion” for giving back. For the record. It’s great that he gives money, and yada yada, but unless he is actually donating his time and doing something, I wouldn’t consider him a philanthropist. I do ten times more outreach/philanthropy than this guy. I’m not bragging, it’s just a fact. Nor am I trying to sell myself as this single philanthropist. Though I could….
Maybe I should buy www.PBAlmostMillionaire.com.

I leave you with this. An actually picture from our friend, the PB Millionaire.

PB Millionaire  if you’re r reading this….let’s be friends?

PB Millionaire: Part 1

Let me start off by saying I am ridiculously excited about this series of  blogs that is about to occur. I am literally, literally hyper ventilating about the cynical thoughts that about to come out my brain, down my fingers and into your computer screen.

Why am I so excited you ask? Well, let me introduce you to Jim Lawlor.

Seems like a normal enough guy right? Okay okay. NOW please direct your browsers to www.PBMillionaire.com.  Take a second. Soak it in. I’ll give you a minute to browser around and check out all the fantasticness of his site. Let me know when your ready for my analysis of The PB Millionaire.

<waiting>

<waiting>

<waiting>

Yep. That just happened. NO I didn’t make up this website, post ridiculous fake pictures, make up a ridiculous back story about a fake millionaire douche bag, who lives in a castle in PB for the purposes of this blog. Though it might appear that way, I promise you this guy is 100 percent real. Well, real in the sense, that he’s a real douche.

There’s just so much to talk to, where to start. I think I’m going to have to do this in a 2 parts. This first blog is going to be just about the PB Millionaire himself, his glorious invention, his 11 friends on myspace, and other stalkerish things I can find out about him.
Part two will be about the website it self, taking a deep dive into the videos and photos on the webpage.

So I guess I do a summary of this guy to get us all on the same page.

Summary:
Apparently this guy invented something, became a millionaire. Bought a castle in PB. And now he spends his time throwing lavish parties and outings with hookers, I mean models..  He also had a “website designed with the intention of improving my social life, overcoming my shyness, and possibly creating a buzz for a prospective reality show.” Wow…..

Before I even began my analysis of his website, I did my homework. Hardcore. I researched, like a creep, anything and everything there was to know about the PB millionaire, so I could come in and make a fair analysis of his situation. I just didn’t want to base my opinion on his one shitty website. Maybe he just had a bad web master, who portrayed him to be a douche bag. It turns out quite the opposite. Who ever does his web design, videographer and photography are fucking miracle workers. Believe it or not, this guy is WORST than what he appears to be on this finely polished website.

My thoughts of PB Millionaire:
First of all, oh my fucking god, are you serious. Secondly, no seriously, are you fucking serious? For those of you that don’t know Jim Lawlor as intimately as I do, let me fill you on some history. At some point Jim invented something and became a “Millionaire”, it’s unclear if he’s always been a douche, or became one after he became “rich”.  You’re probably wondering, what fantastic invention did he invent!? Was it something to better mankind, peace on earth, maybe a cure for cancer?  Maybe it was something complicated, involving cold fusion or sharks with lasers?

Nope. He “invented” spray goggles. Yep. Spray goggles that have a film over the lenses. So when you vision gets blocked by paint on your goggles, you turn a crank and pull over a new clean film over your lenses. See http://www.safetyamerica.com/

I mean sure it’s a good idea, and probably got some practical use, but someone can actually become a “millionaire” from something as terrible as this? Whatever. Fine, so he sells these things on his 1996 looking website, and has enough to buy a castle in PB. How he sells anything on that website is baffling.

After my stalker research I found out his address and it turns out he doesn’t even live in PB. I’m not going to give his actual address because that might be a bit much.

That’s not PB. Don’t kid yourself. According to google you live in a place called Jolla Mesa. And google is never wrong. Never.

Continuing my stalking I found his facebook fan page, with a grand total of 3 fans and his myspace with a whooping 11 friends. I may or may not have over 350 fans of my blog on facebook and 677 friends on myspace. I’m just saying. That doesn’t make me better than him, but it does. And let’s be honest. People have friends for a reason. When someone doesn’t have any friends on a social network it’s probably because no one likes them enough to be friends, even in cyberspace. Which is rough, because the interweb lets all kinds of people that wouldn’t be friends be friends.

According to his myspace he’s 43. Dude, you’re too old for PB. Was RanchoBernardoMillionaire.com already taken? I think its at 32 years old, when PB bars actually stop letting you in. It’s not okay for you to be in PB anymore.  Stop. You’re the creepy old guy. I’m 25 and I’m almost too old for PB.

Speaking of myspace. Click on this link if you dare:

An actual photo from his myspace pics

I just threw up in my mouth. Just a little.

This was just part one, a pretense to the actual blog. Part two is coming soon, fully exploring his website, and some gems of youtube videos I found on him. Get excited.

How to get kicked out of Moondoggies

On any given Thursday night there’s a 75 percent chance you will find me at Moondoggies (AKA Dude-Doggies/Line-Doggies) in PB. This jumps greatly to about 90 percent if I don’t have to work on that Friday, which happens to occur every other Friday. The following is a true story that happened a few weeks ago on such a magical Thursday night.

How to get kicked out of Moondoggies

Night’s going well. I’m feeling good about it, I don’t have to work tomorrow, I’m 5,6,7, 12 beers deep, and I’m hanging out with the greatest group of friends. Living the dream.

Anyone that knows me, knows I have the bladder of a 12 year old girl. Fact. Not a big a deal, a lot of grown men have the bladders of infants. So what. So I just got a brand new Dos Equis for the low low price of 2 American dollars, when I realize it’s been about 7 minutes since I last peed, and I should probably go again. I patiently wait in line, fumbling with my phone, thinking it’s almost time to start the drunk dials. Finally, it’ my turn to pee, I walk up to the urinal and place my beer on top of the metal piping leading to the urinal.  I’ve done this a million times, a million. For the record that metal piping is a great beer holder, and I’d rather place it there than on top of the porcelain urinal. So I’m doing my thing, like it’s my job, when I see my beer start to slip off the top of my pipe holding place. This is where time slows down, matrix style, and I use my ninja like reflexes to reach up with my left hand and grab the falling beer. I think I even yelled a slow motion “noooooooooooo”. I caught it! Hurray! Saved two dollars in beer. Unfortunately since it was a brand new beer, it shook up and did that volcano thing where it shoots out like you’re celebrating winning the championship. Except I didn’t win a championship, I just caught my beer. It made a mess all over the wall, I’m going to be honest, but it was like 3 feet above the urinal so I thought it wasn’t a huge deal. I regain composure, zip up and start washing my hands…..

I’m washing my hands, when I hear “WHO THE FUCK PEED ALL OVER THE WALL!?” Me, with my back turned to the world, as I wash my hands, assume it’s some guy joking because I obviously didn’t peed on the wall 13 feet in the air. So I jokingly raised my hand, and said “yeeeeeep, I peed alllllll over the wall!” (in a sarcastic drunk voice).  Just then, Muscle Mcgee secrurity guard reaches over and smashes my beer into the garbage, and informs me “It’s time to go”. At this point I STLL think he’s joking because I mean come on, does he really think I used my 46 since inch vertical and THEN peed on the wall!?

I comply because in my drunk stooper, I assume for some reason he’s going to escort me out of the bathroom and say “Just kidding! I know you didn’t pee on on the roof! Thanks for coming in, always a pleasure to see you. Have you lost weight??” Turns out he didn’t say any of that. In fact, it finally occurred to me “OH shit, he’s not joking, I’m being kicked out”. This is at the point I’m being shoved through the dance floor with flash lights being shined in my face, to help guide me out. I try to explain to him the silly mix up of how it’s not pee, it’s beer, but it’s way too loud. I get outside, see the line queued up to get in, I try and plead my case one more time. The last thing I remembered yelling at him was “BUT…but… I’m the Designated Driver, you can’t kick me out!?” He didn’t even respond. He just stared. I was obviously drunk, obviously not the DD, and obviously defeated by the super genius bouncers at the door. I walked away laughing at the ridiculousness that just occurred, walked to a friends house where I called it a night.
And that’s how you get kicked out of Moondoggies for doing nothing. Well, almost thing.

p.s.
I er um actually need a date for a wedding this Saturday (April 4th) …..if that story about being kicked out of a bar didn’t deter you, please let me know. It’s Saturday night….Steve@SingleSteve.com OR if you know my real facebook or gmail….. But seriously, I need a date and I promise you a fun time.

Tired of missing new blogs when they come out? Have them sent to your email!

How Not to Get an Online Date

Online dating shenanigans continue. I’m 2 months away from Dr. Phil confirming the fact that I am incapable of finding “someone special” in the first 6 months of my match.com experience. What a dick. At least I’ll get 6 more embarrassing months for free? Fml. Fuck my “someone special”, I would settle for just a date at this point. I haven’t even been on one date, NOT ONE, in the last 4 months of paying 24.99 per month. Really? Apparently I’m Shrek. That’s fine. I mean I don’t pretend to be Johnny Handsom-pants, in fact I know I’m not. That’s why I’ve had to developed my other “attractiveness” characteristics. Like being funny….. and a ninja. Girls still find these attractive, right?

I’m also doing okcupid.com which is a free online dating website, don’t worry, I haven’t been on any dates from there either. Maybe I’m just a bad online dater? Below is a hilarious example of an actual email chain I had with a girl from okcupid.com. It’s not typical of my communications of online dating, but I’m glad I did it.

Scenario:

I do my browsing (creep sweeps) of  profiles of girls that meet my “match”, I do a quick visual analysis of the profile picture and from there I make the decision of whether or not I’m going to continue and open up her profile. If you’re thinking to yourself “that’s pretty shallow Steven…”, fuck your couch. You’d be lying if you thought physical attractiveness wasn’t initially important. No one says from across the bar “Man, that guy looks funny, I’m going to go talk to him”. No one.

Anyways, I do my shallow Hal analysis and then proceed to her profile. Below is a said example, girl is super hotness in thumbnail sized pic, so I proceed to her profile.
Below is a snap shot of the first part of her profile.

I blurred some of the words to make her look more like a jerk than she actually is. It helps me build a case empathy of my feelings towards her, stay with me. My analysis of her profile is she comes off as “tool cool for school”, if people even still say that. She’s attractive and is doing online dating, so she pretty much holds all the cards, unfortunately. She can be a jerk and still get guys winking at her. She must get a million emails from tool bags, starting with the words “Hey Sexy”, so I can understand her defensiveness of online dating tools.

I’m realistic, I realize my chances are probably about a 3 percent chance she’ll respond to any email I send, so I shoot her a short, concise, non serious, half joking, not expecting a response, email.

Yep. That just happened. Ha! I’m not sure what got into me. I’m never a jerk on online dating, not even when I get the “please stop winking at me” automated emails from match.com

Maybe I was just so surprised she responded? I mean she pretty much set herself up for that old “hope you get hit by a bus” gag.  Needless to say we didn’t fall in love.

That’s how not to get a date from online dating.

Also it looks like according to the little voting thing I have on the left hand side of this blog that people want me to write about Craig’s list? Is this true? I have a couple hundred “hits” a day, but only 27 votes. Let me know what you jerks want.  kisses.