Let me start off by saying I am ridiculously excited about this series of blogs that is about to occur. I am literally, literally hyper ventilating about the cynical thoughts that about to come out my brain, down my fingers and into your computer screen.
Jim Lawlor
Why am I so excited you ask? Well, let me introduce you to Jim Lawlor.
Seems like a normal enough guy right? Okay okay. NOW please direct your browsers to www.PBMillionaire.com. Take a second. Soak it in. I’ll give you a minute to browser around and check out all the fantasticness of his site. Let me know when your ready for my analysis of The PB Millionaire.
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Yep. That just happened. NO I didn’t make up this website, post ridiculous fake pictures, make up a ridiculous back story about a fake millionaire douche bag, who lives in a castle in PB for the purposes of this blog. Though it might appear that way, I promise you this guy is 100 percent real. Well, real in the sense, that he’s a real douche.
There’s just so much to talk to, where to start. I think I’m going to have to do this in a 2 parts. This first blog is going to be just about the PB Millionaire himself, his glorious invention, his 11 friends on myspace, and other stalkerish things I can find out about him.
Part two will be about the website it self, taking a deep dive into the videos and photos on the webpage.
So I guess I do a summary of this guy to get us all on the same page.
Summary:
Apparently this guy invented something, became a millionaire. Bought a castle in PB. And now he spends his time throwing lavish parties and outings with hookers, I mean models.. He also had a “website designed with the intention of improving my social life, overcoming my shyness, and possibly creating a buzz for a prospective reality show.” Wow…..
Before I even began my analysis of his website, I did my homework. Hardcore. I researched, like a creep, anything and everything there was to know about the PB millionaire, so I could come in and make a fair analysis of his situation. I just didn’t want to base my opinion on his one shitty website. Maybe he just had a bad web master, who portrayed him to be a douche bag. It turns out quite the opposite. Who ever does his web design, videographer and photography are fucking miracle workers. Believe it or not, this guy is WORST than what he appears to be on this finely polished website.
My thoughts of PB Millionaire:
First of all, oh my fucking god, are you serious. Secondly, no seriously, are you fucking serious? For those of you that don’t know Jim Lawlor as intimately as I do, let me fill you on some history. At some point Jim invented something and became a “Millionaire”, it’s unclear if he’s always been a douche, or became one after he became “rich”. You’re probably wondering, what fantastic invention did he invent!? Was it something to better mankind, peace on earth, maybe a cure for cancer? Maybe it was something complicated, involving cold fusion or sharks with lasers?
Nope. He “invented” spray goggles. Yep. Spray goggles that have a film over the lenses. So when you vision gets blocked by paint on your goggles, you turn a crank and pull over a new clean film over your lenses. See http://www.safetyamerica.com/
I mean sure it’s a good idea, and probably got some practical use, but someone can actually become a “millionaire” from something as terrible as this? Whatever. Fine, so he sells these things on his 1996 looking website, and has enough to buy a castle in PB. How he sells anything on that website is baffling.
After my stalker research I found out his address and it turns out he doesn’t even live in PB. I’m not going to give his actual address because that might be a bit much.
That’s not PB. Don’t kid yourself. According to google you live in a place called Jolla Mesa. And google is never wrong. Never.
Continuing my stalking I found his facebook fan page, with a grand total of 3 fans and his myspace with a whooping 11 friends. I may or may not have over 350 fans of my blog on facebook and 677 friends on myspace. I’m just saying. That doesn’t make me better than him, but it does. And let’s be honest. People have friends for a reason. When someone doesn’t have any friends on a social network it’s probably because no one likes them enough to be friends, even in cyberspace. Which is rough, because the interweb lets all kinds of people that wouldn’t be friends be friends.
According to his myspace he’s 43. Dude, you’re too old for PB. Was RanchoBernardoMillionaire.com already taken? I think its at 32 years old, when PB bars actually stop letting you in. It’s not okay for you to be in PB anymore. Stop. You’re the creepy old guy. I’m 25 and I’m almost too old for PB.
Speaking of myspace. Click on this link if you dare:
An actual photo from his myspace pics
I just threw up in my mouth. Just a little.
This was just part one, a pretense to the actual blog. Part two is coming soon, fully exploring his website, and some gems of youtube videos I found on him. Get excited.
Here it is…..
PB Millionaire, Part 2
